Thread:Dmitrij666/@comment-36277500-20190707164135/@comment-36277500-20190712185319

Hi.

It's not that I wanted to hide my past through operation. It was not the reason. I just didn't want to be a potential sexual target anymore. That why I've considered sex change. But it would need, for the first, large doses of testosterone. It's a hormon arousing desire in BOTH sexes, though women's organisms produce it in very low level (several dozen - hundred times less than men), so women's sexual needs are smaller than in men. As I said, I'm "ace" (asexual), so it would be a huge obstacle for me. I've reconsidered pluses and minuses, and chosen to be a woman (potential sexual target, but with low sexual needs - mine are about zero) than man (less chance to be a victim, but burdened with high level of testosterone and sexual needs).

The situation is complicated by my physical illness - I have some type of immunologic deficiency (not HIV or AIDS), probably genetic or caused by EBV (Epstein-Barr virus, what is known to harm leukocytes; in most people its infection is unnoticed, in some people it causes leukemiae, and in people like me it immobilizes leukocytes and makes them "blind" to pathogens and defenseless against them). Since 2001 I'm having opportunistic infections, that's why I was taking antibiotics ("drugs" I was accused of).

I know that you mean no harm, though I would like to warn you to be careful before you call a stranger from the internet friend. I'm also afraid that I would let you down. In 2016, I had an internet friend on some anime&manga torrent forum. He had some traumatizing experiences: jobless, depressed, misunderstood by parents, etc., but his case was sadder than mine (he hated himself to this extent, that he often treated some advice or consolation from me as mockery or twisted in another way). I often had no time to chat (I was going to work) and I had my own problems (at this time the mobbing in my work started). And when I tried to push him to seek for help or try to change his life, he told me to give him some space. Since then I have no contact from him (after some months I tried to write to him, but to no avail) and I'm afraid the worst (that he took his own life). I feel like I failed him when he needed me the most. And I knew that he liked and admired me, and wanted me to be happy.

I just don't want to fail you in the same way.

I'm stronger than I sound. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, they say. And I'm lucky to have family (they have their flaws and we often argue, but they mostly support me) and very few close friends who also root for me. I'm just reacting to severe stress, what's rather natural.

I seem smarter than most users, mostly because I'm older (in my thirties) and a doctor. Also, Russian and Polish educational systems are (or at least used to be) better than Western ones, especially American educational has bad opinion. That's why some people on the forum are impressed by things I posted, while they would also know it if they only searched for it. For example: I took Caesar's, Cleopatra's, Antony's and Cassius' pictures from... Wikipedia. And then I created some collages using... ordinary Windows Paint! But some people on the forum seem to be unable to use their own creativity or imagination. However, as I heard, many users on this forum are teenagers.