User blog:His sweet little Angel/Bloodbound III: Gaius Augustine

In this blog I will be talking about Gaius Augustine, who is my all time favorite Choices charachter. :)

Get ready, this is going to be long like an essay. XD I personally know no one who reads Choices, but I really want to talk about Gaius with someone who read Bloodbound series, too.

Writing this blog was easy, but deciding to actually post it... that part was difficult, because I have never done anything like this before. I am a bit nervous, too, since I wrote this much. XD Not that I care what anyone thinks of me, I know I am a big weirdo anyway, but I don’t believe I was cringy in my blog (or maybe I was, idk).

I am also going to talk about what I believe the ending is going to be like, and why I believe that there’s at least few percent possibility that Gaius might end up as one of MC’s LIs. :)

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Okay sooo...

Before I will start I’d just like to mention the fact that I dislike the concept of vampires in general (but not their personalities), and Gaius is the first vampire I developed feelings for.

Not only that, he is also the very first Choices charachter I had dreams about. 5 to be exact. These dreams were really special and intense, each in a unique way. I still remember most of them.

Also something strange happened to me and I don’t know why to be honest, but the moment I started developing feelings for Gaius, and more they started to grow deeper, more often I would see 11:11 and 1111. Few times in just one day, every day. My heart area is constantly warm, too, even if my heart isn’t beating fast. As if my heart chakra is activated or something. It almost feels like my senses are heightened as well, I am more aware and perceptive. But it’s not like Gaius is a real person and my Soulmate or something... I’d understand if that were the case. Regardless, I love the way I am feeling and that’s all that matters.

To be honest, mentioning all this, even if you don’t know me, feels quite personal and slightly awkward, but I decided to mention that only so you know that this is not an ordinary experience, nothing like a infatuation or anything like that. I had tons of crushes in past on different fictional charachters (outside Choices), but nothing like that ever happened to me. This is a very unique experience for some reason.

I don’t know how long this will last and it doesn’t matter (I mean my feelings are still as intense and quite some time passed since the 13th chapter), but as long as I will feel this way, I will enjoy it, as these feelings make my days so much better, more colorful. Words can’t really describe this feeling as it’s no crush.

At the end of 12th chapter and suddenly... my feelings skyrocket from 0 to 100 in just a second.

I suddenly felt reallyyy bad for him. Genuinely bad. That defeated look he wore, him being on his knees... my goodness. o__o Such a powerful man, now so vulnerable and lost.

For some reason I didn’t doubted his words like MC did. Now I don’t know whether that’s because I’m highly intuitive and could sense the plans PB have for Gaius or was it obvious?

I could really feel the sudden change in Gaius the moment MC freed him from Rheya’s mind control. I could feel it in my heart. That REAL Gaius is soooo lovable? >_< I just really love his personality, I can’t help it. <3

I felt bad how everyone treated him. They all acted like major hypocrites. Especially Kamilah and Adrian. Who are they to talk? They were manipulated by Gaius, sure, but Gaius went through worse things than just manipulation. Yet they still killed many. O_o Unlike Gaius, they had minds of their own... Never blame anyone for your actions, unless you have a web stuck in your head that alters your Soul. Kamilah had that monster inside her the whole time and it just waited on the right opportunity to strike. Gaius only provoked it to get out, but never forced like Rheya did by him. Same with Adrian. If they’d had no monster inside them, no God could make them turn into such sinners.

So why does Kamilah and Adrian deserve forgiveness, a second chance to redeem themselves, but not Gaius who WAS altered in such a merciless way? Gaius deserves just as much forgiveness as they do.

Before Gaius got mind controlled, he even DISOBEYED Rheya, the woman he loved. Twice! This shows us that he couldn’t be so easy to manipulate with. Rheya is however way more powerful, so she used plan B which was to literally mold him into a weapon. Her weapon.

Kamilah never disobeyed until later. Hypocrisy at its finest I’d say.

Sure he might not be a saint even without Rheya’s control, but come on! He genuinely regrets his past decisions. And it’s not like he asked for forgiveness either. He even said “I will help you. Once Rheya is dead do whatever you want with me.”

This actually broke my heart. He doesn’t deserve death! Who ever wishes death upon him can’t be a good nor a righteous person. Sorry.

“Oh but Gaius was sinning for 3000 years, longer than Kamilah and Adrian together.” - some might say

That’s true, but his Soul was altered, all positive memories he had were wiped away, his heart was filled with darkness. He completely changed. All that by the hands of the very same woman he once saved in the dungeon. Now imagine how a normal person would be like would anything like that happen to them. Maybe they’d be worse, who knows.

It’s easy to be loud and mighty when nothing of sort is happening to you. Everyone thinks they would never be as ruthless as he was. But you never know until you are in their shoes and the same thing is happening to you. But it’s also true that everyone has a different type of darkness in them.

Have you also noticed how charachters in movies, books or other stories would always say that their first kill was awful, emotionally painful even, but then they get used to it after taking more lives? Actually they didn’t get used to it, with time they only started to lose themselves until there was nothing left but an empty shell filled with void. A shadow of the past. This can happen to us, too. The more you are hurting others with your actions, the more you destroy yourself in the process.

We have to keep in mind that nothing is ever black and white, which most people like forget. We all have light and darkness within ourselves no matter how bad or how good one is. What matters is what you ‘feed’. If you starve your Ego, your Soul will glow brighter and vise versa. Simple as that.

Like Gaius said, we sometimes unintentionally hurt peope we love as well and then we will regret it later. Are we monsters because of that? No. As long as you regret your actions, learn from it and try not to repeat your mistakes, you are on the right path even if it will take you longer to learn. It matters not.

Remember, the way someone treats you, is only a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Same goes for you, for all of us. If you understand yourself, accept yourself and love yourself unconditionally, that’s how you’ll treat others. With understanding and care. So if you for instance believe that emotions are signs of weakness, you will not only hate yourself for feeling anything, but look down on everyone who expresses any signs of empathy.

To forgive is divine. I have forgiven people in my life who were never sorry, never regreted what they did, weren’t even capable of love, they were such individuals most people would have not only never forgiven them, but wanted them dead. It took me years to forgive them, though, as it wasn’t easy at first.

Gaius, too, is able to forgive (though he won’t ever forgive Rheya). Kamilah stabbed him in the back, and while most people would react with shock and later anger, trying to seek revenge and completely loathe this person, he reacted with sadness and couldn’t stop loving her. And it was Adrian who saved Gaius that time... How sad.

Hate is such a dark emotion, slowly destroying every light inside you, so for my own sake I always quickly forgive everyone. Also healing process is quicker that way too and it makes life simpler and lighter.

But forgiving people doesn’t mean you excuse their actions or that you have to keep them in your lives. When I forgave them, I didn’t even said that to their faces. That’s just what I feel inside my heart. I walked out of their lives to free myself from further pain, but I wish no ill upon them. I just want to live my life in peace and harmony, that’s all and not everyone is meant to be in your life.

Besides everyone gets their own karma in the end anyway. We should never be anyones karma. Then you get the bad karma back and suffer in the future. What’s the point? It’s a never ending circle then. Forgive, but no need to forget.

It also says a lot about someone when a person is at their lowest and the way they treat them. Even if you are “better”, not a sinner at least, I fail to see a person as “good” if they seem to be so eager to grab the opportunity and show the other how wrong they were by acting all rude and belitting them.

Like Jax for instance. I get it. He was hurting because he lost Takeshi, but it’s not like Gaius immidiately killed him! He wanted to spare him at first and Takeshi gave him no other choice but to strike. Not excusing Gaius’ actions, but he did cared about Takeshi though and proved it. Jax still didn’t had to act like a bully on the island. Calling Gaius McMurderer and constantly picking on him, even telling him how no one will ever love him and being undeserving of it. That was low. He too killed many, good or bad it doesn’t matter. A life’s a life.

Didn’t Jax saw Gaius’ face though? He was mourning Takeshi’s death. Wasn’t faking it.

Past shouldn’t define us. It’s the ‘now’ that counts only. Past is an illusion stored inside our memories, the future is an illusion stored inside our dreams. The now is the only truth, only reality. If in the ‘now’ someone wishes to trully change, this is all that counts. No need to believe them right away, but give them the benefit of doubt, give them some time to prove themselves with actions. Maybe they will change.

Best apology is a changed behaviour, as they say.

I was wondering...

What really is the definition of good? Paying for charity, visiting churches regularly, fitting in? Most people see themselves as good for that very reason, but soon no one is watching, they abuse those they believe are “weaker” than them.

My definition of good doesn’t even exist. I stopped trying my best to be “good” a long time ago. And then I suddenly started to turn into understanding and compassionate person. So no, I personally am not a good person and never want to be. I am wise instead. Being wise means being coldhearted in the eyes of those “good” people. So be it then.

This is why I LOVE Gaius with intensity. He isn’t particularly “good”, nor is he “bad”. He’s a person with flaws trying his best to become a better person. There’s so much more to him and more I am learning about him, more in love I am.

I love empathetic, vulnerable men that try their best to hide their soft sides under cool exterior, act tough, but reveal their gentle nature around that one special woman (they love). <3 And only to her. Nothing more appealing than that. We saw how often Gaius cried, before and after he was brainwashed. It seems like he was the only guy who cried the most even if he was one of most powerful and ruthless vampires. Empathy is such a divine trait to have. It is what makes us human, what makes us feel alive.

I also love how nonchalant he acts, like he doesn’t care about anyones opinions, doesn’t try to impress anyone and sometimes even messes with people a bit in a teasing manner. He’s not a people pleaser either and that’s a very attractive personality trait to me. He was arrogant when he was a villain and a sadist, but now he’s just a down to earth confident guy who posses common sense (we saw that when he killed the pilot who was turning into a Feral), is very mature, intelligent and really devoted to the one he loves. What fascinates me is how long he can stay loyal to one woman.

Unlike MC’s LI’s, we never saw him in a threesome or foursome with Kamilah and honestly he doesn’t even give me that feeling that he’d even want that. When he loves one woman, he wants to bed only her. MC’s LI’s, despite being in love with the MC, don’t mind jumping even into a fivesome. Where’s jealousy? XD Does Kamilah really love the MC the same way she loved Gaius? She was jealous of Rheya, but she’s not jealous of MC’s other friends when they are all in bed together? Huh... strange.

Also that part made me melt when I saw the way Gaius spoke about his dead wife. He SMILED! And he hasn’t seen her in what? 3000 years? Yet he still talks so fondly about her and she was in his life for a short time. I also believe that he must be a very tender lover (he kissed Kamilah’s forehead and was so gentle with her). He’s also capable of caring for his comrades even when he was a ruthless person, he wanted to save his fellow vampires from the Order when he and Kamilah were dancing. Not even Kamilah cared for them enough to risk her life, but Gaius kept saying “I have to help them”.

If someone thinks I had an easy time forgiving him because of my feelings, they are wrong. I forgave him in a blink of an eye at the end of 12th chapter. My feelings developed later gradually.

I’d forgive even Rheya if that woman would feel genuine remorse and guilt for everything she did and she’d wanted to change. And I have no feelings for her.

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So why I think that Gaius might end up as one of MC’s love interest is following:

1.) I believe Gaius and the MC are going to be the last survivors. I don’t mean the only two vampires left, but I think all 4 LI’s are going to die including Rheya. I don’t know about Seraphina or Dracula (maybe they will battle each other, idk) and others.

Why I think this might happen:

~ The first portrait we collected was about Gaius. Have you noticed how his head was the last piece? Same like the third portrait which is the MC’s face. Second portrait was about Rheya, Gaius and Xeno, Rheya’s face being the first piece of the puzzle. That’s a minor detail that might play no important role, but still wanted to mention it. All these 4 people (Gaius, Rheya, Xeno and MC) are one of most powerful vampires that ever existed. We don’t know about MC yet, but we haven’t finished the book yet. Why else including her in the last portrait?

~ Gaius and the MC are going to be probably the last survivors because they have died in the past... even at the same time... later revived by the hands of those they loved who might die in the end of third book.

~ If Gaius truly is going to survive at the end (which I am 100% sure he will), he could support the MC, be there for her like she was for him. I choose the option ‘You’re wrong’, and told him there’s still something worth living for, he just has to find what it is. Gaius could tell the MC that he found his purpose, and it is to help her find a way to revive her friends or just help her in general. Maybe the MC, after she will gain more powers, will slowly change for worse and Gaius could be the one to help her find the right path again. Let’s say that the only option to revive her friends will be a life sacrificed... and imagine Gaius volunteering to die to bring her friends back. MC would cry and not want him to do that, and he would say that he has caused them enough pain already and that’s the least he could do to right his wrongs. Imagine that outcome. Very sad but deep.

2.) On the boat, we got that first option which was to kiss him on the cheek. Why include this in the story? Why giving us an option so intimate in nature if it’s going to be completely irrelevant in the future? Gaius told the MC that in another life things could be different. Now what I think he means is... if you have kissed him, he might mean that they could’ve been lovers in a different lifetime, a hug could suggest friendship, and the last part could suggest that they’d at least not be enemies.

3.) Another minor clue that I have noticed, which might mean nothing, was how often Gaius was on his knees. He was kneeling infront of Rheya, worshipping her as his Goddess. We all know he loved her and was devoted to her. The first time he met Kamilah he was pushed by guards, falling on his knees. Although he wasn’t kneeling by will, he was still on his knees. We all know that later he loved Kamilah and were in a relationship. She was his Queen. Then there we have Tokyo. He fought against the MC and when she defeated him he landed on his knees. Kamilah stabbed him twice, so did the MC. By Kamilah, when he was on his knees, he looked pleased and haughty, by the MC he looked sad and defeated. With Kamilah he had a sad ending, while he and the MC are having intimate time, connecting on emotional level. Kamilah hates Gaius... MC kissed his cheek, feeling sympathy for him. Maybe something more?

4.) Seriously why did PB gave us so many scenes with MC and Gaius just before they will face Rheya? Don’t you think it’s all so rushed? Aren’t they trying to tell us something? Gaius payed the MC a lot of attention on the Island (asking her if anything is wrong), MC siding with Gaius after everyone got shocked when he killed the pilot who was slowly turning Feral, the scene with Gaius saving the MC’s life, them staring each other intently on the plane after they just left Tokyo, then locking eyes again and again (which you read only in these typical romance books). So. Many. Interactions. In such a short time. PB never does anything coincidental, but maybe I’m reading too much into it?

5.) I believe Gaius will be a potential LI because of the level of intimacy him and MC share. This type of intimacy is rare by other LI’s even in other stories. What I mean is MC’s psychic abilities. Gaius craves to be loved by a woman, I have that strong feeling that he does. He wants to be appreciated, cared for... understood. MC literally touched his very Soul, learned things about him in such short time which usually takes people months or years to learn so much about each other. Only between two people who are connected with each other on a Soul level, do they connect that fast. By them psychic abilities were in play. Rheya knew a lot about him, but crushed and betrayed him. Kamilah knew almost nothing about him, and she only loved a part of him. He didn’t even loved her enough to tell her about his dead wife, and he loved Rheya while also loving her. Didn’t sounded like a great love story to me and they knew each other for centuries. Weird. Now at his lowest, there’s that beautiful woman who not only understands him, even forgave him, saw every side of him, touched his Heart and Soul... That to me sounds like a start of a beautiful, healthy (potentially romantical) relationship.

And lastly...

6.) Gaius loves powerful, intelligent, beautiful and confident women. Rheya’s beautiful, confident and powerful, he loved her. Kamilah is beautiful, confident and smart, he loved her. Priya is only pretty I think, and he didn’t loved her, but still called her princess and allowed her to touch him. The MC however is all of that: beautiful, confident, intelligent and very skilled. On top she’s more! She’s also compassionate, a psychic, forgiving and understanding. Rheya betrayed Gaius, so did Kamilah. But the MC? Instead of hating him, she is the most understanding. They seem to be perfect for each other because not only do they share a lot in common, but would balance each other out. At first I am sure Gaius didn’t really thought much about her, but the more he learned about her and she about him, their perspectives of each other definitely changed and we could see that.

I have also noticed how easy Gaius can block MC from entering his thoughts... I was a bit surprised, because why wasn’t he more prepared during their fight? He allowed her to enter him for the second time (when she saved him from Rheya’s control). Or on the plane after they left Tokyo. They were staring at each other for a while. Why? How so he didn’t turned away imidiately? This is what made me think that he wants to be understood, I don’t know.

If I am honest, I don’t care what the ending is going to be like. I have the power to write a FF. Unless we will get a 4th story, then I won’t write anything until the book is finished. But I doubt there will be a 4th book.

Btw does anyone think it’s weird how vampires in this story act superior from humans? I don’t understand. It’s not like they were born that way. XD They got Turned. Imagine if they’d turn the whole world, mark everyone... would they feast on each other? There’d be no humans left.

I heard that vampires, if they’d be real, wouldn’t be able to exist. Because the amount of blood they would have to drink daily (around 15 liters or so they say), as blood doesn’t contain much nutriens, humanity would go exinct. What then? Vampires would go exctint as well. XD

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Alright, I am FINALLY finished. Wow that took me hours! XD But it was worth it. If you read everything, thank you so much. I do apologize for any grammar mistakes though. English is my third language.

Take care~

Peace