User blog:Circy/Struggles of the Heart

No, this is not going to be a cute story about love. This is about literally my heart.

About 8 years ago, a few months after my son was born, I still wasnt recovered from giving birth, I kept feeling tired. The doctor originally thought anemia, not enough iron in my blood. Made sense, it wasn't an easy labor.

But the medication I got didn't help enough. So we went looking for something else. We discovered minor atrial fibrillation, a condition where the atrium chambers of the heart are fluttering, more than beating. Normally, if you discover it quick enough, it can be treated with heart medication and occasionally a cardioversion. A shock to the heart, kind of like described in one of the first chapters of Open Heart. I didn't need to worry, I could live up to a 100 with medication. So we went ahead and did all that. It worked. It didn't needed to be checked on often. Once a year, if I remember correct and they were all good.

At first. About 5 or 6 years ago I got really burned out, feeling depressed, no energy for anything. In hindsight it was a neglected PTSS from my giving birth to my son, I didn't wanted to see it, I just needed to toughen up. But at some point, there's nothing you can toughen anymore, you can only just collapse. So I did. I got in therapy for it, but the doctor also wanted to check my heart again. Stress is a trigger for heartconditions. And she was right: atrial fibrillation was back. So I got more cardioversions, stronger medications, but nothing worked anymore. There were more options, said the specialist. So I got send to a hospital that specializes in all kinds of heartconditions and -surgeries. The first idea was to give me an ablation. That means they go in via my leg (that has the widest vein) with a laser to reach the heart and try to calm down the fluttering of the atriums by making little scars on the muscle. Scar tissue doesn't work the same as normal tissue. The whole procedure was quickly sceduled, but when I was checked if I could do it, they discovered dilated cardiomyopathy. It means one of my heart chambers was enlarged and thin. It happens sometimes for several reasons. Drinking, smoking... I never done any of that. It felt very unfair. In my case it was because my heart was trying to compensate for what my atriums were doing wrong. Trying as hard as it could to pump enough blood through my body.

So that was off the table, a normal ablation procedure was too risky. So next idea was a Mini Maze. It is more or less the same procedure only they start closer to the heart. It's not yet an open heart surgery, though. At first it worked, but with the first checkup after I was home it was discovered that it was back to square one again. Or I can maybe even say square minus one. I felt worse. Physically and mentally. I felt I was just slowly dying while my heart was racing with 140 BPM. If not more. While I was sitting. Reading a book. Cardioversions were not an option anymore. One time I even got sick from them, even when I didn't eat or drink anything 12 hours before, I still threw up during anesthesia. It was just becoming dangerous.

So final option came up: Pacemaker. I kind of felt relieved that was suggested. I was ready for it, several cardioversions ago and at least before the Mini Maze. They didn't want to do it yet because I was too young. It means you have to replace it every 5 years or so, that's going to do some damage to your health, they said. I mean: what health? What does being healthy feel like? I definitely forgot. It also means they had to cut something (I don't exactly recall what it was named, something Sinus?) in my heart, irreversable. So I understand why they didn't suggested it before. But to be honest, I was excited to hear it. If you can use that word here? I think I can, since I experienced it myself. Couldn't wait for the day to feel better, the surgeons were kind of surprised, haha. Never seen one so happy to get a pacemaker. So that's me now. ''Like Cliff Oackley says: “I'm half machine now, but what the hell. It's 2019” ''Such a good quote. It made me happy. I have it since 1,5 years. And it works like a charm. I'm feeling much, much better. Never going to feel 100%, but 70% is always better than 30%.

I'm telling this story, because some people asked about it. I'm not telling this story for people to feel pity for me. That time is passed, I'm feeling better every day now. Maybe I'm telling this to be inspiring? Life is too short to make a fuss about everything? I don't know, I still do that sometimes. But yeah, I'm having a much easier time now to put things into perspective than I used to.